i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
