The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
