Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
