I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
