all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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