can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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