my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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