May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
