btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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