Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
