i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
