If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
All I want is dick and wine.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
