Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
