Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
