you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
did i just pee glitter
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