when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
