i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
