I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
