My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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