I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm both gender and math confused
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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