I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
