Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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