im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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