I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
