I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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