woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
