hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
this will be a night to untag.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
