I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
