You just made me feel so damn special
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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