alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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