I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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