Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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