apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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