I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
