We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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