I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
