If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
