shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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