And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
