okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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