ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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