my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
