I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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