mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
