I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
