I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
