Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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