I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just sent this text using only my big toe
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
