All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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