i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
