Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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