he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
