so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
