I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
