I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
