a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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