I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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