Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
