Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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