My liver just broke up with me...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
