i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
